Groucho Marx Quotes

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be.

 Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying  the wrong remedies.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.